2 am in the morning
What a weird day it was .. I usually have this kind of tradition that has grown over the years to read things I have written in past days in a year or so on special days like my birthday to see if I've grown up or not and ending days of december where I officially close my books as if its the year ending of one more year of my life's business.
What have I learnt ? Am I a better me than last I've known? Am I going somewhere with a view in mind or just wasting time and energy in thinking and thinking some more.
Let me take a breath ... Things have changed and then they haven't too. I still have the habit of thinking of those embarrassing things I did which comes to my mind and for a flash moment I wish I should have done something else and talk to myself as in really say "shut up salma" hmm.. so much for neurotism.
The day dreaming self remains intact. Like a flash of a camera I can make a castle in air to raise and feel so happy its there, then come back to reality " oh back to normal business" kinda feeling
A few habits inculcated like "talking to God" and that stepping back from me for a moment and trying to elevate from myself and see what Im doing and just take a deep breath and say " hey see that's what its looking like and if you don't like what its looking like do something to change"
I wonder sometimes about those moments I wish were different but realize they are a part of me now. Im like this cos I'm that goofy creature who did those things. When Im in a good mood those things make me laugh so hard while at others its like " what the heck was I thinking" Then on a few saner times I think well the act doesn't has to be judged, its just as it is as are you but the perspective and lens I keep using over time keep changing and hence the feeling about it.
This year at the ending of december I did not delve in my journal seeing hey this month this day see that crappy curve took a new dip or see there a stimulus and I fluttered like a bird with wings. I don't know what it means just like there's a mouse in my room at the moment that's distracting me so much and I don't know what to do about him/her either. I wish it could go to sleep cos it looks like Jerry from tom and jerry and I don't want it to be taken care of. Why can't we live in harmony the mouse and me. Mousyy I'm trying to give a moment to me here. So please just go eat or whatever and please for chrisakes don't bite those clothes there.
I think Im mad ..
Im mad that I did not get research done yet.
Im mad that I get mad on good people because they are better at things I suck at.
Im mad that I repeatedly ask myself to procrastinate less and I don't listen.
Im mad that I make so many plans and don't consistently work on them to see them through.
Im mad that I get impatient.
Im mad that I accept myself and others as they are less.
Im mad that I hate to admit contradictions are part of life.
Im mad that Im an impractical idealist.
Im mad that I still make so many mistakes.
Im mad that I can't breathe sometimes because Im so excited about things that go in my head.
Im mad that I realize the spaces between are important yet I don't give them their deserved place.
Im mad that I have unanswered questions.
I want to have a big big stone and throw it in the space and scream to the top of my lungs WHY ?
What kind of a beginning is this .. I woke up with a numbness in my head and for most part of the day there was a blank and only half way through writing this I realized that Im angry. I have nothing to say to the previous year. What the hell is a reason to celebrate in the earth making a whole revolution? People might as well say ok say 15 days from now we want to throw a damn party so lets have a holiday then and make a big deal out of it.
I wish there is more research being done to give a name to this thing I go through on some days, like perhaps " The Wanderer's Syndrome" . I have a description of the disease here:
A person suffering from TWS is an excessive processor of thoughts and is incapable to put them to rest. TWS may affect a person from birth and may find it extremely difficult to find peace of mind. It may result in irregular sleeping patterns and may lead him to delve into activities that do nothing towards earning a living or completion of work of his/her chosen field.
P.S: I haven't a clue what the point of this exercise was except I wrote cos I had to and I can give sleeping a second go if the mouse makes less noise.
What have I learnt ? Am I a better me than last I've known? Am I going somewhere with a view in mind or just wasting time and energy in thinking and thinking some more.
Let me take a breath ... Things have changed and then they haven't too. I still have the habit of thinking of those embarrassing things I did which comes to my mind and for a flash moment I wish I should have done something else and talk to myself as in really say "shut up salma" hmm.. so much for neurotism.
The day dreaming self remains intact. Like a flash of a camera I can make a castle in air to raise and feel so happy its there, then come back to reality " oh back to normal business" kinda feeling
A few habits inculcated like "talking to God" and that stepping back from me for a moment and trying to elevate from myself and see what Im doing and just take a deep breath and say " hey see that's what its looking like and if you don't like what its looking like do something to change"
I wonder sometimes about those moments I wish were different but realize they are a part of me now. Im like this cos I'm that goofy creature who did those things. When Im in a good mood those things make me laugh so hard while at others its like " what the heck was I thinking" Then on a few saner times I think well the act doesn't has to be judged, its just as it is as are you but the perspective and lens I keep using over time keep changing and hence the feeling about it.
This year at the ending of december I did not delve in my journal seeing hey this month this day see that crappy curve took a new dip or see there a stimulus and I fluttered like a bird with wings. I don't know what it means just like there's a mouse in my room at the moment that's distracting me so much and I don't know what to do about him/her either. I wish it could go to sleep cos it looks like Jerry from tom and jerry and I don't want it to be taken care of. Why can't we live in harmony the mouse and me. Mousyy I'm trying to give a moment to me here. So please just go eat or whatever and please for chrisakes don't bite those clothes there.
I think Im mad ..
Im mad that I did not get research done yet.
Im mad that I get mad on good people because they are better at things I suck at.
Im mad that I repeatedly ask myself to procrastinate less and I don't listen.
Im mad that I make so many plans and don't consistently work on them to see them through.
Im mad that I get impatient.
Im mad that I accept myself and others as they are less.
Im mad that I hate to admit contradictions are part of life.
Im mad that Im an impractical idealist.
Im mad that I still make so many mistakes.
Im mad that I can't breathe sometimes because Im so excited about things that go in my head.
Im mad that I realize the spaces between are important yet I don't give them their deserved place.
Im mad that I have unanswered questions.
I want to have a big big stone and throw it in the space and scream to the top of my lungs WHY ?
What kind of a beginning is this .. I woke up with a numbness in my head and for most part of the day there was a blank and only half way through writing this I realized that Im angry. I have nothing to say to the previous year. What the hell is a reason to celebrate in the earth making a whole revolution? People might as well say ok say 15 days from now we want to throw a damn party so lets have a holiday then and make a big deal out of it.
I wish there is more research being done to give a name to this thing I go through on some days, like perhaps " The Wanderer's Syndrome" . I have a description of the disease here:
A person suffering from TWS is an excessive processor of thoughts and is incapable to put them to rest. TWS may affect a person from birth and may find it extremely difficult to find peace of mind. It may result in irregular sleeping patterns and may lead him to delve into activities that do nothing towards earning a living or completion of work of his/her chosen field.
P.S: I haven't a clue what the point of this exercise was except I wrote cos I had to and I can give sleeping a second go if the mouse makes less noise.
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