The Search
The search starts each day with rising up and ends temporarily with going to sleep. I can’t really say that sleeping stops my search, for when I close my eyes another world comes to life. I do things I wouldn’t imagine in life, and I admit it is really satisfying sometimes to do those even if it is in dreams, for its satisfying to see them happening in a lucid world at least. I wonder almost constantly, if the things I think about are worth thinking or I’m just wasting my time; its something over the period of time I think I’ve literally given myself a cap and gown and presented myself a doctorate. Once I saw a comic strip that says “Oh you guys are graduate students, you know all about wasting time”. I couldn’t agree more.
I look back and forward everyday and I get the feeling that by doing so I’m missing the present. I try to learn from my past mistakes, relive some moments and gawk at the embarrassing things I’ve gone through, can’t having fully gone past those habits. I plan for the future, how I want it and the like. I know I’m missing the present though. I try to blame it on my culture, my upbringing, the constant lack of money and the need to do work which, I admit isn’t always joyful. But who am I kidding ? I can’t lie to myself. I know at the end of the day, the things I want are undefined. Getting things you know you want is difficult and now you are talking about things that have no shape whatsoever. They exist only in the realm of my mind.
I make a lot of resolutions that will lead me to betterment. I admit, they have helped. Cognitive therapy is not a hoax, I’ll vouch for it. Reinforcing something in your mind so much that leaving no space for others works !It has for me. But there is still at the end of day a realization that it was forced. I wish I would know a medical condition that designates a name for the symptoms I suffer. Some brutal people will call it lack of focus and such. I disagree though. My focus remains to date to find happiness. Perhaps that’s the fault there.Happiness cannot be found. It can only be felt. I need to be more compassionate, to myself and to others. That will bring me in touch with true happiness. I cannot hide and fear things. I can name a number of them.
I always wonder about the nature and origin of inspirational quotes. They portray the writer’s persona and has got nothing for you to get from it. Its important for the person who writes it. Yes we can learn from others successes and perhaps that’s the only reason they still go on. I read several of them and like them as well but I still like the one’s I make up for myself.I feel that I have a love-hate relation with Buddha’s teachings . “The root cause of all sufferings is desire” Hell yeah it is. I know people who do follow them and it’s a scene I find serene. They are blessed I say and for a moment I don’t envy them, God has indeed blessed some people I think and smile.
On the seemingly endless journeys on buses, I have a questionnaire like a auto-pilot mode on. It asks “ Salma, who the hell are you? ” I guess I’m asking what are you good at? Would you survive say if there was another natural selection in the universe ? Hmm…. Silence . “Ok, Chuck that.. would you say you live while you’re living then ?” Hmm… Silence. “Fine, Do you think there was something you would be remembered by were you to die tomorrow?” More Silence. “ No fretting, but imagine today is the last day of your whole life, what would you do ?” and finally there I have a answer “ At least I won’t worry anymore about any trivialities that intrude into my brain and occupy its working capacity slowing down its processor” . I sometimes give kudos on this one and say ¼ at least.
So no worrying huh ?? If I live for just one day I’m just going to not worry… so is this what the search is about. Putting my mind to stop exerting in unwanted areas. Now if only I knew how !!
I look back and forward everyday and I get the feeling that by doing so I’m missing the present. I try to learn from my past mistakes, relive some moments and gawk at the embarrassing things I’ve gone through, can’t having fully gone past those habits. I plan for the future, how I want it and the like. I know I’m missing the present though. I try to blame it on my culture, my upbringing, the constant lack of money and the need to do work which, I admit isn’t always joyful. But who am I kidding ? I can’t lie to myself. I know at the end of the day, the things I want are undefined. Getting things you know you want is difficult and now you are talking about things that have no shape whatsoever. They exist only in the realm of my mind.
I make a lot of resolutions that will lead me to betterment. I admit, they have helped. Cognitive therapy is not a hoax, I’ll vouch for it. Reinforcing something in your mind so much that leaving no space for others works !It has for me. But there is still at the end of day a realization that it was forced. I wish I would know a medical condition that designates a name for the symptoms I suffer. Some brutal people will call it lack of focus and such. I disagree though. My focus remains to date to find happiness. Perhaps that’s the fault there.Happiness cannot be found. It can only be felt. I need to be more compassionate, to myself and to others. That will bring me in touch with true happiness. I cannot hide and fear things. I can name a number of them.
I always wonder about the nature and origin of inspirational quotes. They portray the writer’s persona and has got nothing for you to get from it. Its important for the person who writes it. Yes we can learn from others successes and perhaps that’s the only reason they still go on. I read several of them and like them as well but I still like the one’s I make up for myself.I feel that I have a love-hate relation with Buddha’s teachings . “The root cause of all sufferings is desire” Hell yeah it is. I know people who do follow them and it’s a scene I find serene. They are blessed I say and for a moment I don’t envy them, God has indeed blessed some people I think and smile.
On the seemingly endless journeys on buses, I have a questionnaire like a auto-pilot mode on. It asks “ Salma, who the hell are you? ” I guess I’m asking what are you good at? Would you survive say if there was another natural selection in the universe ? Hmm…. Silence . “Ok, Chuck that.. would you say you live while you’re living then ?” Hmm… Silence. “Fine, Do you think there was something you would be remembered by were you to die tomorrow?” More Silence. “ No fretting, but imagine today is the last day of your whole life, what would you do ?” and finally there I have a answer “ At least I won’t worry anymore about any trivialities that intrude into my brain and occupy its working capacity slowing down its processor” . I sometimes give kudos on this one and say ¼ at least.
So no worrying huh ?? If I live for just one day I’m just going to not worry… so is this what the search is about. Putting my mind to stop exerting in unwanted areas. Now if only I knew how !!
Comments
keep it up..
mama